What a day I have had. . . . . .went down stairs to our dungeon of a laundryroom to find, once again, my washer not working. Oh my gosh how frustrating. I was just telling a friend at church that it is one appliance I just can't live without. Den called Best Buy and of course, they can't send a service tech out until Thursday, and then we know that they won't be able to fix it until they order a part and that, of course, won't be until next week! UGH! I am so frustrated. I put off doing laundry yesterday as I had some friends over to swim for the afternoon; I thought, no biggie, I will play catch-up with the laundry today. One load into my morning and its over. It always seems to be when we don't have one clean towel in the house either. I had just put my first load of towels in too, with at least 2 more to go. As I was in the laundryroom trying to figure out how to get all the water out of a load of about 30 bathtowels I thought to myself, "God this just isn't humorous at all, just what is the purpose of this? what lesson am I to learn from this?" It seems as though lessons come by the bunch for us, we don't just get hit with one thing we get hit with numerous issues to deal with at once, and most of the time we aren't too successful in dealing with them rightly, or I should say I don't deal with them rightly. I remember once when Brennan was having seizures and Daniel asking Den and I, "why does
God hate us so much?" It was during this time we were without a home, living in a friends home, we had no job and I guess to him it seemed like God had abandoned us and then to top it off we have major health issues with a baby. It was hard, as his parent, not to feel the same way and keep our perspective and eyes on Christ. Sometimes it just feels like you just can't seem to move forward one step without taking several back. When does the walk ever get a little easier? when does the load get a little lighter? will it ever? these are questions I ask, and really I know the answer. Its not about being comfortable, its about serving, its about looking beyond ourselves and touching others. We have always, for almost 30 years, been the trail blazers, and frankly sometimes I would like to be the ones to follow the trail already smooth and easy. Its hard not to look around and wonder, "do others live like this?"I don't see anyone else having these kinds of trials. Its easy to take my eyes off of Christ and put it on all the stuff around me and have my own pity party, shoot sometimes I even feel like I am justified in doing it, who wouldn't in my situation, yet I know that my actions and thoughts are not honoring to God. We have been in a season of transition and change for over a year, and for the most part I have truly tried to keep my eyes on Christ, to not let Satan tempt me into looking around instead of looking up, yet I have had the occasional melt-down, you know the kind, crying, frustrated, asking why God doesn't move us forward, etc. It wasn't until just recently that, through a friend, that I finally got it. Its not about us, it can't be about us and all of our stuff, it has to be about others and how we can be a light to those around us. How we can touch others for the cause of Christ, what can I do to further someone in their walk? In loosing my life I truly will gain it! Its ironic, too, because Den basically told me the same thing a few weeks ago, only I was in one of those self-absorbed moments; where even if he had said that things were going to change tomorrow I wouldn't have believed it. My mind was on , "what do I have to offer? we have nothing financially to give to anyone, I am worn out taking care of a "too-big" house, dealing with adult male children, teenagers, pre-pubescent boys, elementary kids, a preschooler and an infant, cooking, cleaning, and to top it off sleepless nights,". My focus had been on "our" problems, our issues, about me, me, me. When did I turn the corner to selfishness? when did serving my family become dull, lifeless and dreadful? It took me to see that I was so consumed by self that I was not even walking with God, my lack of time with Him through prayer and scripture took me down a path with Satan, one that led me to believe the lies he tempted me with. You know the scripture, "the things I don't want to do I do, and the things I do want to do I don't ( my own paraphrase). Serving my husband and family should not be a chore, its a gift, an amazing gift. I have a great husband who loves us beyond his own dreams and ambitions, and truly 12 awesome healthy kids, yeah the work is hard, the days are long, but I look at all their sweet faces and see the love they have for us and am so touched by God's goodness. I want to serve my family and others with my whole heart God, and trust by doing this God will meet our needs as well. Of course He does it in ways we would never expect or means by which we would never think of, only yet in His perfect way, and its by this that He can be honored, He will gain all the glory, as it should be.